Well, I did it: My daughter is now a one-year-old. Together, we have navigated her babyhood, and somehow, 365 days later, she is a toddler. No longer is her age measured in weeks or months, but actual years. Glimpses of the person that she is going to be have started to appear. She can walk; she can say “mum-mum”; she can have an almighty tantrum if her sippy cup is empty. She can get up the stairs faster than you can shout, “Who left the door open?!” She likes Strictly Come Dancing and Harry Styles. When I became a single mother at eight weeks postpartum, I was extremely frightened about the future. I had no idea how I was going to manage. Yet I did—you just do. Nobody’s first year as a parent looks the same, and we all come up with coping mechanisms. If you have found yourself in the same position as me, here are my pearls of wisdom for you.
Make your own village
It’s a cliché for a reason. It is impossible to try to do everything yourself. All that will happen is that you will be unhappy, and therefore so will your baby. Accept help from everyone who offers it, whether it’s your neighbor intercepting your parcels so the postman doesn’t wake you up (it is a truth universally acknowledged that they will ring as soon as one of you has gone to sleep), or your playgroup friend watching your baby for an hour while you go for a dentist’s appointment. Take the homemade lasagna and the offer of some housework; don’t be too proud.
Prepare for others to think they know exactly how it feels because XYZ
“Oh, I’m basically a single mother, too, my husband works crazy hours,” is a refrain you will get used to hearing a variation of, and that you will simply swallow down with a nod and a smile. Of course, it’s not the same, for myriad reasons—not least because their partner will actually come back at some point.
Screen time is completely fine…and in fact essential for survival
“I won’t be letting my children have an iPad,” is a thought I had, once, before I desperately needed five minutes to empty the dishwasher, make a cup of coffee, or have a shower in peace without a screaming baby following me from room to room, begging to be picked up or played with.
Not having somebody to share the highs with is hard
Of course, it’s exhausting not to be able to share the load when it comes to nursery pick-ups, teething, illnesses, and day-to-day parenting. But what I wasn’t expecting was how hard it can be not having somebody to share the joyful moments with, those all-important milestones. There’s no one to sit up with after my daughter has gone to bed and talk about how amazing it is that she pointed at the TV remote because she wanted it. Or that she was able to figure out how to open the freezer door and trap her hand in it. There are only so many times you can bore your friends senseless with your budding Einstein’s progress…
Hangovers just aren’t worth it
Because the night you have more than one glass of wine is the night that they decide they are waking up every 45 minutes after two weeks of sleeping through the night.
You don’t need to become a hermit
You thought you’d have the odd night off with the girls for cocktails while your significant other held the baby. That didn’t happen. But being a single parent doesn’t mean you should shy away from social occasions. Instead, just factor in your tiny plus one. It is possible to go to birthdays, brunches, pub outings, and more with a little one, it just requires some practice and prep. Make sure you’ve always got diapers, spare clothes, wipes, snacks, milk, and toys, and train them up to like napping on the go. You’ll be amazed at how sociable it makes them, too—and how much your friends will love having them as part of the gang. Also, it’s a ready-made excuse to leave whenever you want to.
Choose your nights off very carefully
That said, there will be moments when you do want to do things on your own—and that’s completely understandable. Weddings and bachelorette parties immediately spring to mind as no-baby zones, especially if you want to let your hair down. As time away from your little one is precious, it’s vital you don’t waste it on someone or something unworthy of it. This goes for dates, too: It’s your right to be very picky. By the same token, you need to learn how to say “no” to things you don’t want to do. There’s absolutely no point in being overstretched; it ultimately benefits nobody.
Speaking of dating, people will still find you attractive
When my partner and I broke up, I thought I was doomed to a life of singledom, the scarlet “SM” of “SINGLE MOTHER” emblazoned across my chest. Yet I’ve discovered that it’s not as big a deal as I first thought. By the time you hit your mid- to late 30s, the majority of people have some kind of baggage, whether it’s a failed marriage or a child or two. Bigger picture? Having a baby is actually fairly nice baggage to have. Just make sure that you are upfront about it from the off, and that you’re on the same page when it comes to any future children, too.
Being ill is more difficult than you could ever imagine
Picture the scene: you’ve got norovirus, and you are trying to be sick as quietly as possible in order to avoid waking up your baby. When you inevitably do wake them up, you have to attempt to rock them back to sleep before the vomiting starts again, all while your stomach is churning. Then, the next day, they don’t get the memo that mummy is very, very tired and needs to rest. Annoyingly, they get the memo that it’s playtime—oh, and naps will only be 30 minutes long today.
Mom friends aren’t cringe, they’re great
Before I had my daughter, I was definitely of the school of thought that I didn’t need to go out and make a whole new group of “mom friends”—after all, surely the only thing that we had in common was that we had procreated? I was wrong. You do need mom friends. Keep your old friends too, of course, but there’s a special bond between mothers who are going through the same things together at the same time. You’ll turn to them for advice (“Does this look like a rash or eczema to you?”) or just a giant moan (“Remind me why I had children?”), and they’re great for when you just want to get out of the house and do something to entertain your child.
People aren’t as judgmental as you think
The few times when I’ve had to tell a stranger about being a single mother, I’ve been overwhelmed with their kindness and generosity. It happens so much more than you might think, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
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