It’s easy to condemn Carrie Bradshaw for sneaking around with Big behind Aidan’s back on Season 3 of Sex and the City (Carrie, girl, I get it…Aidan was boring!), but the issue of cheating in actual, non-televised relationships can be a lot harder to parse. Nobody wants to be cheated on, and most of us don’t want to cheat—but it happens, and it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.
Below, get all the info you need on cheating, including what can lead to it, how experts like Ester Perel view it, and how to rebuild a relationship in the aftermath of its incidence. (That is, if you want to; you’re also always justified in walking out triumphantly, Nicole Kidman-post-signing-divorce-papers-style.)
How common is cheating, anyway?
Based on the plots of various Netflix and HBO shows, you’d think that everyone in the world was cheating, but in fact, a 2021 study showed that around 21% of U.S. respondents admitted to having cheated on any partner (current or previous).
What are the most common issues that might lead to cheating?
Every relationship is unique, but more and more research is being done into the emotional rationale behind being unfaithful to one’s partner. A 2021 study surveyed 495 adults recruited through a participant pool at a large U.S. university and through Reddit message boards dedicated to relationships. Participants self-reported cheating, and analysis of their motives revealed eight key reasons: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance. (Only a third of the study’s participants ultimately admitted that they had cheated to their primary partner, with women being more likely to confess than men.)
Is a partner who has already cheated more likely to cheat again?
As it turns out, there might be some truth to that old “once a cheater, always a cheater” maxim that Rachel’s mom espoused on Friends. A 2017 study surveying serial infidelity found that participants who reported extra-dyadic sexual involvement (also known as ESI, or “having sexual relations with someone other than their partner”) in one relationship were three times as likely to report engaging in the same behavior in their next relationship than those who didn’t. People change, sure, but…not always that much.
What if I’m the one who wants to cheat?
Relationship and sexuality expert Esther Perel delves deep into this topic on her podcast Where Should We Begin?, talking to a woman in a relationship that she describes as healthy and loving about her obsession with the thought of cheating on her partner. If you’re wrestling with the desire to cheat in your own relationship, it might be well worth listening to the whole episode, but (spoiler alert): sometimes the fantasies playing out in our heads have more to do with past trauma or emotional difficulty than they do any active desire to hurt the people who love us.
How am I supposed to react to being cheated on?
Learning that your partner has been unfaithful can deal a severe emotional blow, and while there’s no “good” or “bad” response (short of the illegal), it can be helpful to know that you’re not alone with your feelings. In a 2023 study on love and infidelity, researchers stated that infidelity-based trauma could lead to “feelings of extreme anger, betrayal, insecurity, rage, shame, guilt, jealousy and sadness.” But take heart knowing that, eventually, you’ll find yourself healed enough to look back and—well, maybe not laugh, but at least stop casting mental incantations on your ex.
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