I’ve spent a lot of time asking myself why I like sex so much. And for some reason I’ve yet to discuss in therapy, I’ve found comfort in answers linked to purity: I like it for the pleasure, the connection, the intimacy, for discovering the truth of another person. But when my partner and I decided to have an open marriage four years ago, I found it hard to admit that a large part of my love for sex had to do with my ego—with feeling hot, feeling desired, feeling chosen.
We’d both had sex with other people for the first time, separately, on a Monday night in June. My date (and sex) with someone who wasn’t my partner of six years was really quite mind-altering. The sex itself was as good as sex goes, but the reminder that I was desired by someone else, chosen by someone else, found sexy by someone else, left me reeling: so much potential, so many new ways to find pleasure. A whole new dimension seemed like it was opening up in front of me.
But so too had it opened for my husband, and when we reunited the next day, I felt the earth shaking beneath me. He’d obviously had a mind-altering experience too. I couldn’t really believe it. How could he? This isn’t what the books had told me this would feel like. Comparison is this thing that all the poly people talk about—good jealousy, we’re happy that our partner is happy! But I wasn’t. It felt ugly to admit it to myself, but I was jealous, insecure. The problem was further compounded by the fact that in a crisis of self-confidence about your desirability, the last thing you want to do is tell your partner you don’t feel desired. Neediness is next to ickiness.
I was still texting the guy I’d slept with on Monday. We planned to meet the following Monday, and that felt great. The quantum splitting of an atom or something: A whole me was feeling jealous, insecure, not hot. Another me was setting up dates with people, feeling desired in all these ways I’d forgotten about. And by the time my partner and I had sex, I had convinced myself that he was doing it because he should, but that he would much rather be sleeping with someone else.
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